literature

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet

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nngross's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Hold that drink sweetheart.
Plastered smile,
Glazed eyes.
Talk to the boy with no name,
The boy with the pretty face,
The trusting face.
Shy smile,
Shuttered eyes.
Hold his smooth, lotion slathered hand,
Kiss his soft, chapstick lips,
Smile into those bright eyes.
Silly smile,
Dotting eyes.

Walk through the door you don't even see,
Hand in hand with the man you don't even know.
Feel the cool breeze pressing against your skin,
Playing with mascara eyelashes,
Flirting with teased hair and bejeweled ears.

"Hold my hand, my love."
Trusting smile,
Kind eyes.
"Let us walk for a while.
Let us get away from here.
Let us enter a world that is all our own."
Confident smile,
Shining eyes.
"Let's get out of here.
Out of the noise and the crowd.
Out to a place for just the two of us."
Coaxing smile,
Leading eyes.

Walk down the street you don't recognize,
Hand in hand with the man you think you know.
Feel the pavement moving beneath your unsteady feet,
His anchoring hand clasping around your waist.
Isn't the moon beautiful tonight?

"Look at the moon, my love."
Gleaming smile,
Fervent eyes.
"Look at the stars.
The tiny pinpricks of light.
The destinies of those who have passed before us."
Sly smile,
Focused eyes.
"The park is beautiful at this time of night.
We should walk there for a while.
Catch some more fresh air."
Sinister smile,
Violent eyes.

Walk into the park you've never been to,
Hand in hand with the man you're about to know.
See the lamps suspended on the side of the dark path,
Like fairy lamps lighting the way to Neverland.
The moon really is beautiful tonight.

Rough pavement.
Cool breeze.
Bare skin.
Violent screams.
Torn nails.
Coarse rope.
Tough cloth.
Unyielding cloth.
Muffled screams.
Crushing weight.
Fluttering panic.
Stricken disbelief.
                    Pain.
                            Pain beyond belief.
Desperate moans.
Muffled moans.
Final struggle.
Giving up.
Losing hope.
Lost hope.
Giving in.
Tuning out.
Cool breeze.
Rough pavement.
Vision gone.
Fading fast.
Blacking out.
Last thought.
Beautiful moon.

Wake up sweetheart.
Frozen smile,
Panicked eyes.
Imagine the man with no name,
The man with the cruel face,
The violent face.
Sickened smile,
Cold eyes.
Feel his rough, groping hands,
Imagine his stubble crusted lips,  
See those crazy, laughing eyes.
Panicked smile,
Dying eyes.  
Do you remember?
Fading smile,
Dead eyes.
8-10-2010: So, I am looking for a piece to submit to an online magezine, and this piece seems the obvious choice since it has been the most well received on DA. What I would ask for anyone who reads this is, would you be willing to give a full-out critique of this piece? I would be eternally grateful if you would. If this is not your favourite piece that I have written, could you please critique the one that is your favourite and tell me why you like that one best? Anyone who responds to this is my hero :nod:

Written under Poetry Challenge Prompt #78: Drink. I actually spent a long time writing this one. I was experimenting with a different style, and I'm not all that sure whether it worked or not...I'll let ya'll be the judge of that :)

My main question with this piece is this: Does the style and language increase the impact of the piece as a whole? If yes, how does it do that? If no, what could be done to improve and increase the impact of the piece?
© 2010 - 2024 nngross
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mellowghost's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

The title is engaging and appropriate. I think it's interesting that the story started off with alcohol. It seems that the smile and eyes being the most prominent thing the protagonist noticed would make sense. While first reading this poem it was difficult for me to decipher who was smiling and using their eyes. However, by the end, it became clear the antagonist (stranger) was the one manipulating the situations. This poem shows very plainly how quickly a beautiful situation can turn ugly. The progression was logical and well paced. I believe the repetitive use of the eyes and smile coupled with the distinction (italics) was key to revealing the plot as a whole and the emotions experienced throughout. The ending was emotionally gripping and had a lingering fear and despair that helps the reader empathize with the protagonist. As horrifying as the story is, the writing is excellent; and I am very impressed with this work of art.